Perfect Morning : A Poem by Ben Q

PERFECT MORNING

I wake up in a hotel room

A prostitute, or even better

A new girlfriend, no name

Is tracing lines on my back with her nails

As her twin sister blows me

The warmth of the sun is on my face

A happy place

The babes leave. No charge

Because of the large

Experience, they say

What a nice day

My phone rings. Work has been

Burned to the ground

Everyone is fine. Better

I go to the kitchen

And find a letter

Anonymous

“We've been watching you

Because you're the Chosen One

We were going to assassinate

We had to procrastinate

We had a meeting, discussed your fate

And we want you to be our Leader instead.

The President is Dead.”

Pull on my favourite jeans

They smell of cinnamon

White socks, fresh white shirt

In the pocket, a mysterious card

With an inscription from the Bard:

“Is all we see or seem

A dream within a dream”

Leaving the room I meet the maid

She smiles like we know something

Remains unsaid, game faintly played

I don't know this place

I get to the lobby. Posh. A reporter

Offers me her mineral water

“I doubt you remember, but last night's show

Was incredible. And today, you know...

The world is different because of you

The fighting has stopped.

The dream came true.

It was you, only you

What you say, what you do.

It got through.

Can I buy you breakfast?”

Grapefruit, coffee, pancakes, toast

Her friend arrives

Spit roast

Quick shower- High Power

My bike is outside with a new chain

Perfect sky, tranquil brain

I take a ride alone

And as I climb the hill

I can feel it inside

And outside too, last night cried

Redemption, rapture, across the world

The mighty snake beneath uncurled

Burst through the earth

Opened them all

Tanks ground to a halt

Guns jammed, children rose up

Gates came down, glass broke

Authorities

All crumbled as one, wept on bloody knees, were forgiven

We survived it, we keep living

And I got a blow job

Because it was me

I found the Door

I used my Key

The People heard, they laughed, all free

Realized it was our destiny

After-show party, drugs, dance, sex

I busted the funk out, got on the decks

Max adulation, all my friends came

Family got a penthouse suite, my sister got fame

The aliens revealed themselves; Universal Dawning

That's how I'd describe my perfect morning.

After nine long years of shoving jiffy bags filled with heroin up his arse for a living, Ian was finding still life to be a piece of piss

Convinced that the Harry Potter invisibility cloak he'd bought off Ebay would allow them acces to hardcore pornography paysites un-noticed, Colin believed he had outdone himself.

The mathmatical formula that demonstrates the certainty that Mark Wahlberg can only appear in shit films

*where CH = The Happening PH = Max Payne SE= The Perfect Storm SP= Boogie Nights

Are You Evil?

This month TSM invited stand up comedian Ben Q to write some shit for us. If you don't know who he is, you definitely should. He's funnier than you, and he would like to see one of the Olsen twins forced to ride around on a bicycle made from the other one's bones. Yeah. 


This month, Ben asks 'Are You Evil?' 
Answers on a postcard to info@thesmokingmexican.com 

ARE YOU EVIL?

Thank you for taking the time to answer this brief survey about EVIL. You are under no obligation to be honest, or sincere; nor do you have to give your real name, age or address. However you are under Satanic Oath, and you must give your correct bank details or one of us will kill you.

SECTION ONE

Personal Information

a) What is your full name (please don't lie or make it up)?

b) What is your REAL age?

c) How large are your genitals?

d) Do you consider yourself sexually available?

e) Are you a girl?

f) Really?

SECTION TWO

Evil in general

a) Are you EVIL (please only answer Yes)? 

b) What is the nature of EVIL in your opinion (be brief)?

c) Do you think that it is acceptable to keep being evil?

d) Do you think that the world will be a better place if everyone is more evil?

e) Fuck the government.

f) Do you agree that children are evil?

g) What percentage of children, between 96% and 100%, are evil?

h) What is the most evil act you have ever witnessed?

i) Do you consider this Survey to be evil (please hesitate for a while before answering this question as some people are hasty)?

j) Do you like digestive biscuits?

k) How much money is in your bank account?

SECTION THREE

More specific evil

a) I am buying sweets for my grandchild. It is a female. If I buy a chewy sweet in the shape of a dog's penis, am I..:

i) Evil

ii) Good

b) I have just dissected a mouse. Inside I find a scroll with a handwritten note saying "EVIL". Does this mean..:

i) I am evil

ii) You are evil

iii) Anyone can be considered evil, if they dissect a mouse

c) My local parliamentary candidate is assassinated by a confused World War Two veteran. Is this

i) Evil

ii) Quite good

iii) Funny, but also evil

d) When I die, I would like to be..:

i) Blown up

ii) Squashed

iii) Blended into a fine paste, mixed with epoxy resin and sculpted into a statue depicting Pol Pot in the act of brutally torturing a journalist

e) I have a tattoo on my breast of..:

i) Loads of Nazis and BNP members having sex with a stifled pig

ii) Donald Rumsfeld

SECTION FOUR

The End

Thank you for your information. It will be used to save humanity through better understanding of the concept and consequences of... EVIL.

(c) Ben Q Enterprises

Now Then Magazine Issue 25 - feat. Tommy Blank 'Bus Drivers and Why they Hate us all' p13

Now Then Issue 25

March Feature - Mourning Glory – the Dance of the Dead Finds its Feet Online

There are some concepts that I’m not sure I’ll ever get comfortable with. But never has the term morbid fascination been so appropriate. During my daily inter-stellar exploration of the webosphere I staggered across a website so intriguing, I wasn’t quite able to fathom its significance or indeed its potential at first glance, and have visited several times since.

Allow me to introduce you to Obit-Mag.com. Obit takes its name from an abbreviation of obituary that is used in common practice in America; fellow fans of Curb Your Enthusiasm will remember the consequences of leaving Larry David in charge of a loved one’s obit.

In a morose twist on the notion that the obituaries are one of the most read sections of the papers, Obit are a dedicated team of writers, editors and researchers publishing content on the recently deceased – blogging for the dearly departed. But don’t just take it from me.

Behind this somewhat eerie spectacle are Bob and Barbera Hillier, a couple better known for their extensive work in architecture. ‘Our stories focus on the lives well lived and what death can mean to the living and what living meant to the dead’ reads a statement on the site.

‘We challenge traditional stigma about discussion of death and dying. In doing this, we weave together art, prose and reflections on the famous, the firsts and the ordinary folks around us. We don’t believe there is any other forum like Obit.’

Too fucking right there isn’t.

The homepage is awash with photographs of the deceased (before they died of course, if you want snaps of corpses I’m sure there are sites for that too), quotes and discussions about the great inevitable. On the right hand side users are met with Obit Mag’s proudest asset; the Just Died list. Clicking on a recent departure will fire up a short obituary and sometimes a photograph. At the time of penning this piece, the latest to kick the proverbial bucket was Dan Duncan, an oil billionaire ‘known for his philanthropy and global hunting of exotic animals.’

No love lost there.

But what fascinates me isn’t that this is a website about dead people, for this is the internet - guaranteed to thrill shock and shock again (if you’ve ever played the popular net game Google-Whack you’ll know that there’s a site for everything. EVERYTHING.) But with Obit Mag, it’s the professionalism, the tone and the overall feeling that this is a genuine, well oiled machine that is practicing a socially acceptable exercise, which in Western society – it really isn’t. We don’t talk about the dead, we certainly don’t tend to celebrate them and we tuck the obituaries into the back pages of shit papers no one reads for a reason.

That’s why Obit Mag is so exceptional.

It’s a whole new angle on the only certainty, that one day we’ll all be history, and that famous or interesting people snuffing it is actually, well, interesting. And the quality of the writing isn’t too shabby either. I read a piece about how the closure of a greasy spoon diner in Chicago represented the last hoorah for a town barraged with trendy wine bars and pretentious coffee shops, and how the author had enjoyed what would be his final meal with his dying brother there.

I read Forever Fido, a dry humoured piece about a [former] dog owner who was struggling to see any profound meaning in the death of his mutt, despite an overwhelming moral obligation to do so.

And now I’m hooked.

I’ve now considered the possibility that I’m just a late bloomer when it comes with a fascination with the bitter end. Most kids I knew doodled skulls and bones in their copy books, had gone into the woods at least once to look for dead bodies, or thought Sixth Sense was anything more than just another predictable Bruce Willis flick. I just assumed I’d skipped that phase or rather had gotten it out of my system having watched all seven series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the late nineties.

But like Wes Bentley with his zoom lens panning the gaping hole in Kevin Spacey’s brain with a smile on his face in American Beauty, I feel the need to hold up this new angle on death and share it with people.

I strongly suggest you find out about Obit, before Obit finds out about you…..