Are You Evil?

This month TSM invited stand up comedian Ben Q to write some shit for us. If you don't know who he is, you definitely should. He's funnier than you, and he would like to see one of the Olsen twins forced to ride around on a bicycle made from the other one's bones. Yeah. 


This month, Ben asks 'Are You Evil?' 
Answers on a postcard to info@thesmokingmexican.com 

ARE YOU EVIL?

Thank you for taking the time to answer this brief survey about EVIL. You are under no obligation to be honest, or sincere; nor do you have to give your real name, age or address. However you are under Satanic Oath, and you must give your correct bank details or one of us will kill you.

SECTION ONE

Personal Information

a) What is your full name (please don't lie or make it up)?

b) What is your REAL age?

c) How large are your genitals?

d) Do you consider yourself sexually available?

e) Are you a girl?

f) Really?

SECTION TWO

Evil in general

a) Are you EVIL (please only answer Yes)? 

b) What is the nature of EVIL in your opinion (be brief)?

c) Do you think that it is acceptable to keep being evil?

d) Do you think that the world will be a better place if everyone is more evil?

e) Fuck the government.

f) Do you agree that children are evil?

g) What percentage of children, between 96% and 100%, are evil?

h) What is the most evil act you have ever witnessed?

i) Do you consider this Survey to be evil (please hesitate for a while before answering this question as some people are hasty)?

j) Do you like digestive biscuits?

k) How much money is in your bank account?

SECTION THREE

More specific evil

a) I am buying sweets for my grandchild. It is a female. If I buy a chewy sweet in the shape of a dog's penis, am I..:

i) Evil

ii) Good

b) I have just dissected a mouse. Inside I find a scroll with a handwritten note saying "EVIL". Does this mean..:

i) I am evil

ii) You are evil

iii) Anyone can be considered evil, if they dissect a mouse

c) My local parliamentary candidate is assassinated by a confused World War Two veteran. Is this

i) Evil

ii) Quite good

iii) Funny, but also evil

d) When I die, I would like to be..:

i) Blown up

ii) Squashed

iii) Blended into a fine paste, mixed with epoxy resin and sculpted into a statue depicting Pol Pot in the act of brutally torturing a journalist

e) I have a tattoo on my breast of..:

i) Loads of Nazis and BNP members having sex with a stifled pig

ii) Donald Rumsfeld

SECTION FOUR

The End

Thank you for your information. It will be used to save humanity through better understanding of the concept and consequences of... EVIL.

(c) Ben Q Enterprises